Just a vent

Ok, I know how lucky we are to have 3 beautiful, healthy children. I know that there are many things that could have gone wrong with Gabriel yet so far he is just a perfectly healthy although little baby. I still feel like this was not the way it was "supposed" to be. I was supposed to be trying a vbac this time, and he should still be inside of me for another week and a half or so. I was supposed to be able to breastfeed him right from the start with no problems, just like I did with Isabella. I was supposed to be using the cloth diapers that I have been researching for the past 5 months so that I could find the exact ones I wanted to try first. Instead, I have this beautiful little baby that is almost 6 weeks old now that I love with all my heart. I feel silly that I am having these bad feelings of being cheated out of certain things and I think it mostly stems from not being able to nurse him. He is so used to the instant gratification of the bottle that when I put him to my breast he gets angry and just cries. I don't want to pump for a year like I did with Ethan. I will, if I have to....but I don't want to. My nipples are sore, and one of them has the skin rubbing off from the sides of the horn. (Cone thing your nipple goes into). I am so frustrated that we can't just nurse, so we are going to try one last thing before I give up. Its called a Lact-Aid, and its basically just a tube that goes to a bag of milk. You tape the tube to your breast, so when the baby tries to nurse he will get the instant gratification of having milk right there. I will slowly reduce the speed at which the milk goes into the tube, and hopefully after a few weeks we wont need it at all. Its similar to what they used in the nicu, but they put that tube down his nose. I wish we could just get an extra one of those from the hospital, because the lactaid is kind of expensive considering we will only use it for a few weeks. Oh well, its either that or I go crazy every 3 hours when I have to face the pump again.

Anytime I am feeling down like right now, I like to read this clip I found on a preemie parenting board. It makes me feel a little bit better.

~*~How Preemie Moms Are Chosen~*~
(Erma Bombeck)

Did you ever wonder how the mothers of premature babies are chosen?
Somehow, I visualize God hovering over Earth, selecting his
instruments for propagation with great care and deliberation. As he
observes, he instructs his angels to take notes in a giant ledger.
"Armstrong, Beth, son. Patron Saint, Matthew.
Forrest, Marjorie, daughter. Patron Saint, Celia.
Rutledge, Carrie, twins. Patron Saint...give her Gerard. He's used to
profanity."
Finally, he passes a name to an angel and smiles.
"Give her a preemie." The angel is curious. "Why this one, God?
She's so happy."
"Exactly," smiles God.
"Could I give a premature baby a mother who knows no laughter? That
would be cruel."
"But does she have the patience?" asks the angel.
"I don't want her to have too much patience, or she'll drown in a sea
of self-pity and despair.
Once the shock and resentment wear off, she'll handle it.
I watched her today. She has that sense of self and independence so
rare and so necessary in a mother.
You see, the child I'm going to give her has a world of its own.
She has to make it live in her world, and that's not going to be easy."
"But Lord, I don't think she even believes in you."
God smiles. "No matter, I can fix that. This one is perfect She has
just the right amount of selfishness."
The angel gasps, "Selfishness?! Is that a virtue?"
God nods. "If she can't separate herself from the child occasionally,
she will never survive.
Yes, here is a woman whom I will bless with a child less than perfect.
She doesn't know it yet, but she is to be envied.
She will never take for granted a spoken word.
She will never consider a step ordinary.
When her child says momma for the first time,
she will be witness to a miracle and know it.
I will permit her to see clearly the things I see--
ignorance, cruelty, prejudice--
and allow her to rise above them.
She will never be alone.
I will be at her side every minute of every day of her life
because she is doing my work as surely as she is here by my side."
"And what about her Patron Saint?" asks the angel, his pen poised in
the air.
God smiles. "A mirror will suffice."